Archive for April 17th, 2009
I’ve been a little screwed up these past two days. Not like that–unless you listen to my mother–but at the moment, I’m referring to my internal clock. Whenever I come west, it takes me about a day or two to get settled into the time difference. During those times when Ohio time (5am) wakes me in Vegas time (2am), I turn on the TV and catch all the stuff I (think I) miss while I’m fast asleep back home.
Ok, I admit it. I turn it on for the infomercials. Long story about my infomercial fascination. Let’s just leave it at the fact that once I’m reeled in, I’m stuck. And being on the losing end of so many bakery battles resulting in a donut overload in my life, I’ve always been more Marilyn Monroe than Marilyn Manson (with all my ribs, thank you). As a result, I get a special kick out of the weight-loss promises available for the low, low price of $19.95 plus shipping & handling.
Last night, I got the treat of my life in terms of true buy-it-now entertainment. Deeply engrossed in another flaky guarantee of a smaller booty in 30 days, I watched the money shot (geez, the part where they pitch it to you seven times like you’re incapable of seeing the number to call without being told, “But wait! There’s more!” Get your minds out of the gutter here!) three times, knowing the fourth and final time was right around the corner.
It was at this point, the wrap-up, where the most ludicrous, ridiculous statement in the history of infomercials hit the airwaves. One slender, petite woman whose waist measured smaller than my thigh and probably had a piece of popcorn stuck in her teeth to register her weight gain in her perfectly fine, albeit sad-faced ‘before’ photo, proclaimed in an unnatural, tinny voice, “It’s so much fun I forgot I was working out!”
Really. Forgot you were working out? Over the years, I’ve forgotten more things than I’ve remembered. I’ve forgotten my phone number, forgotten how to get on the interstate in Florida, where I parked at the movie theatre and whether it’s one or one-half teaspoon of baking soda in chocolate chip cookie dough to make them rise best (one-half, should I need reminded again). I’ve forgotten my checkbook, forgotten how to do algebra, forgotten birthdays, anniversaries and which hand is best in poker. (Thank god it’s posted on the slot machines.)
One thing I have never, ever forgotten, and don’t imagine I ever will, is that I am working out while working out. It’s impossible to ignore ‘the girls’ (you know who they are if you’re female, you’ve got your own matching set) leaping and bounding to my chin and back to my bellybutton with every Jane Fonda-esque jumping jack. I can’t imagine I’d forget the shortness of breath that leaves me clutching my ribs and swearing revenge on Richard Simmons’ Q-tipped, cottony, white-boy afro. I’m pretty sure I’d not forget the fact that being in exercise mode leaves far less time for sleep mode. I’m damn sure I’ll never forget that for thirty minutes of my life, I must hop around with the grace of a baby elephant on hot coals in order to get this fat-girl’s body into something society will deem appropriate and not appalling.
Yeah. Exactly. You really forgot you were exercising? How lucky for you. If I grab my phone right now to call for your ridiculous program, maybe I’ll forget how much I hate the sound of my Asics pounding the pavement at 5am (Ohio time), and how much my body revolts when physical activity is introduced into its happily sedentary, margarita-infused world. Doubtful. Go pick the popcorn out of your teeth and miraculously lose five more pounds, skinny wench.
Now that I think about it, I just realized I forgot something important myself. Vegas is a 24-hour city. Even better, there’s an open Dunkin’ Donuts downstairs to the right of the elevator. And since I won a couple bucks on the video poker machine tonight, donut run* is on me.
Don’t wait up. I won’t be back. There’s an infomercial promising I can make millions and retire next year. And shipping is free!
*“Run” as a figure of speech, not a verb. No physical activity is implied by this statement.